Yes, that’s the U.S. Capitol Building above, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the book, or this post, but I took the pic and I love Washington D.C. Below, however, is what the book I’m in the process of writing is about. If you’re interested I’d love for you to take a look and tell me what you think. Please don’t message me and ask if I’m looking for an editor. More than one person has sent me an email and began with the whole, “I love what you wrote,” buttering me up like they’re actually interested. “I was thinking, if you’re looking for an editor, I’d love to chat with you…” don’t send shit like that. It’s annoying and an insult. There are going to be a ton of changes by the time it’s published, and I have an amazing editor. The way this book will be set up is as follows, there will be a hand drawn portrait, information written where adults who don’t really give two shits about history can understand, backed up by references, and at the end of the book a small glossary of some of the historical terms that you read about in history class, but may have forgotten, like the Compromise of 1850, or Manifest Destiny.

That said, there is a rule in writing that you never, ever, put out your first draft. Well…below is my first draft of former president Thomas Jefferson. At this current writing, I have drawn all the presidents (with the exception of Joe Biden, who I shall begin drawing this week) and have just finished Lincoln’s bio. So without further ado, the first draft of my bio of Thomas Jefferson…

Third President of the United States – Thomas Jefferson

There’s a lot to say about our third president, and for the expanded version, you can visit wikipedia. What’s interesting about Thomas Jefferson, is that his gravestone reads (in all caps), “Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, Author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.” It makes no mention of him being a president as an accomplishment. Humble? Hell no. Fuck that noise. He may have been a quiet spoken person, but humility is not something that is synonymous with Jefferson. If tweeting was around, he’d have out tweeted President Trump in a bigly way. Thomas Jefferson was a serious cunt if there ever was one, and if you’re a fan of Lin Manuel Miranda’s ‘Hamilton’ you’re all too familiar with Jefferson’s douchebaggery.

As president, he doubled the size of the country with the Louisiana Purchase and he was a prolific writer, who, as written above, wrote the Declaration of Independence. “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal,” he wrote in the Declaration of Independence. Well…most men, but not the 300 slaves he owned. One of the slaves Jefferson took particular interest to, was Sally Hemmings, the illegitimate daughter of his wife’s father. Yeah…he and his wife owned her half sister. Jefferson was a wine connoisseur, and helped popularize ice cream in the United States, something Ben & Jerry’s and the fat acceptance movement is very grateful for. Source: https://www.monticello.org/site/blog-and-community/5-surprising-facts-about-thomas-jefferson 

He harvested opium and was known to get fucked up, but not for recreational use. He smoked that beautiful shit for medicinal reasons. Poppies were still grown at his mansion in Monticello until the 1990s. The DEA put an end to that shit. Source: https://mountainside.com/blog/alcohol/the-founding-fathers-on-drugs-and-alcohol

Jefferson helped found the University of Virginia and sold his entire book collection to the Library of Congress after the British firebombed the fuck out of it. He was an architect who has an entire style of design named after him – Jeffersonian. A few examples of his designs are found all over college campuses, from not only UVA, but also Christopher Newport University, Longwood University, and the Virginia State House.

When Joe Snuffy Taxpayer runs out of money, he quits spending money, but not those in positions of political power. A true politician to the core, he spent well beyond his means and died with over $100,000 in debt. He inherited his father’s estate, and while he preached and wrote against slavery, it only meant that everyone else shouldn’t own them…not him. He once wrote that he believed the practice of slavery was unjust and trembled at the idea of God exacting vengeance on those who perpetuated it, but wrote this while owning one of the largest slave plantations in Virginia, half of them under the age of 16. Ain’t that some shit. 

When it comes to ‘separation of church and state’ while it’s never mentioned in the Constitution, Jefferson is the guy who wrote about it in a letter to the Danbury Connecticut Baptist Church that “religion is a matter which lies solely between Man and his God.” He interpreted the First Amendment as having built a “wall of separation between Church and State.” This was to keep Thomas Road Baptist Church from controlling legislation, and to keep the government from telling Thomas Road Baptist Church that they had to marry gay people. It would not tell Thomas Road Baptist Church that their pastor couldn’t watch the pool boy fuck his wife. 

Thomas Jefferson, Ladies & Gentlemen.